As a professional, I know that children learn from the behavior we model. That is, they imitate the things we do and the ways we do them. This is true of everything from speech to conflict resolution. As a mom, I see it first-hand all the time — when my youngest shocks me by repeating something she overheard me say or when I catch myself doing things — good and bad — that my own parents did when I was a kid.

And that’s the main reason I always try to stop myself before I resort to yelling or idle threats. It can be hard to control our anger sometimes, but when you yell, you can be teaching your child that anger or yelling are acceptable ways to resolve arguments. And when you make that idle threat — for example, threatening to turn the car around on the way to Disney World — and you don’t carry through, your child learns that he can get away with inappropriate behavior. He may believe you won’t follow through on other things you say, either. The result is a child who feels free to test your limits and may be suspicious of your promises.
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The other way your children can learn from you is by encouragement. Rewarding good behaviors with small incentives, praise and other encouragement teaches children that we pay attention to their good behaviors. This doesn’t mean that there are no consequences for inappropriate behaviors, but rather, that it’s important to set a balance. I like to think of it in terms of a 5-to-1 ratio. Try to “catch” your child being good and praise her five times for every one time you need to set limits with her.

You might ask, “Why the emphasis on the good?” Because it’s been shown to be more effective. I’ve worked with parents whose kids have given up trying to be good because they think they’ll never succeed. And I see how my own kids respond to praise for a job well done by striving to do the right thing.
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While these motivating factors — modeling and encouragement — are true for every child, our kids are still individuals. Some may learn faster when they see what you want them to do. Some learn by watching and others by doing. My girls seem to be good with verbal directions, while my son needs to have things written down for them to really click. Knowing your child and providing the right tools can help speed along your success with any behavior.

When it comes to tooth brushing, your child may respond better to role-playing games, coloring activities, songs, or a detailed brushing chart. Try a few different approaches and share what works best for you.
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